I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize