I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Green mimosas i think yes
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
