dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
