My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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