people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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