apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
