your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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