I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
