my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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