4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
