im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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