my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
