life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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