I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just had sex on a roof
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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