"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
