I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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