i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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