I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
