Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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