the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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