There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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