There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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