The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
being pregnant is like rehab
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
