those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
