Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
