I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
