Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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