I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
