You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
