Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
