I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
