I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
