I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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