Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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