when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize