i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
