youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
