I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
