Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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