He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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