I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
