captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
