There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
