Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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