my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize