He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
