Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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