ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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