i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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