Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
