God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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