omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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