i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
