tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
