i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm at about main and main street
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
