It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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