What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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