I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
