I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
