I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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