Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
