can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
