One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
