i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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