I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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