the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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