Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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