I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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